According to a recent, highly scientific internet poll, 78 percent of lonely cave mutants on Twitter do not sleep with their socks on. This poll was conducted by Casper, the sleep company that makes very nice mattresses that are also terrible rafts. I am being deadly serious here: Their mattresses are not seaworthy. Trust me.
I would never criticize something as sacred as a corporate Twitter poll, but, like, wear socks to bed, people. Seriously. Another way to say “feet” is “disgusting monkey claws.” Feet are hands that do nothing and, also, smell like roast garbage.
Swaddle your leg stands in soft, freshly laundered fabric and all will be well in your world. I promise.
If you go to bed sockless, please stop. I know that 78 percent of people who responded to a poll written by a social media manager on deadline disagree with this sentiment, but sometimes a person has to stand up for what they believe, like a real hero. Once more: wear socks to bed. Reread that, why don’t you? Wear. Socks. To. Bed. It could save your life.
I feel, from time to time, that it is my responsibility to make sweeping statements of opinion as though they are fact. That is the beauty of the internet: Feelings have the force of law.
I feel more qualified than your average human being to make this kind of knee-jerk declaration because I am editor-in-chief of a website produced by a mattress company that’s full of brilliant and attractive executives. (Woolly is 100 percent editorially independent, but do me a favor and check out the pillow ads at the bottom of the page.)
Being editor-in-chief is not unlike being a living god. Every day I straddle the broken world like a melancholy colossus and observe the small victories and heartbreaking losses of mortals. It makes me sad that so many of you don’t sleep with your socks on.
Don’t take my word for it, though, even though you should. Scientific research also supports my plea that all humans should pull on comfy socks before going to bed. There is no research that sockless people live horrible lives that end poorly but I’m sure, with enough time and money, that could happen.
There have been studies that show that warm feet make falling asleep easier. It has to do with circulation or something, I don’t know. Another famous study found that 80 percent of couples who wore socks had better sex, compared to the 50 percent who didn’t wear socks while making the beast with two backs. I don’t know if there’s a third study that says you should wear socks to bed, but I assure you the moment that happens I will update this opinion essay, then rewarm it like a plate of leftovers and serve it up to all the mortals who read this the first time. This is called “internet strategy.”
But let me be clear: Science says that if you wear socks to bed you will sleep better than you’ve ever slept before and your sex life will be so hey yo badabing badaboom. This means, of course, if you sleep without socks, then you will suffer from crippling insomnia and your sex life will shrivel up and fall off and vultures will eat it. I guess I have decisively won the argument over whether or not socks should be worn to bed. If you’d like to congratulate me on this, or apologize to me for not wearing socks to bed, just tweet at me.
On a more personal level, and I’m going to get real right now, wearing socks to bed is comforting. Never mind that socks offer practical protection from knife-sharp toenail talons. Forget the studies I shared that say wearing socks benefits your health. The act of sliding on a wool sock is bliss. And you want more bliss in your life, don’t you? This is such a stressful, messy, exhausting life sometimes. You want — no, deserve — more blissful moments. Never forget that I love you.
You know, my life’s dream wasn’t to be editor-in-chief of a website about comfort and self-care and avocado toast produced by a mattress company. No. I once dreamed of being a cyborg bounty hunter. That particular dream was always a long shot and, although robotics technologies are advancing every day, the intergalactic bounty hunter business remains underdeveloped. My OTHER dream was to invent products that help humanity and make billions of dollars. One of those ideas is called the “bock” — a gigantic sock for your body. This will revolutionize comfort. The “bock” comes in three sizes — child, adult, and giant cyclops — with multiple colors, fabrics, and styles. You just step into the “bock,” pull it up, and then fall down on a soft surface. Imagine actually being a foot in a dark, warm, cozy sock. I know: It sounds like a great idea because it is a great idea. I’ll be launching a Kickstarter soon.
In the meantime, wear socks on your feet to bed. Please.