35 Mostly Positive Daily Affirmations

A column about (breathes in, breathes out).

Author by John Devore
Art credit: Megan Schaller

There are two types of people in the world: those who say “there are two types of people in the world” and those who know the world is full of many different types of people. I am the former, which is why I know for a fact that there are two types of people in the world: those who think positive and those who struggle with thinking positive because, sometimes, life can be a real bucket of cold oatmeal.

I am not one of those think-positive people who recites uplifting affirmations to themselves in the mirror every morning, but I’m trying to become one. The secret to pulling off a daily affirmation practice, I’m finding, is to come up with easy-to-chant, ego-boosting dictums that are positive, but not so positive that my soul will get a cavity from consuming such sickly sweet sentiments. So I’ve come up with 35, mostly positive affirmations that I can say out loud, whenever I want, without wincing or cringing or laughing at myself. You can try them out in front of your bathroom mirror, too, free of charge.

  1. I am a pretty decent human being.
  2. Don’t sweat the small stuff, but do sweat the big stuff, because things can get out of hand.
  3. I love myself unconditionally, more or less.
  4.  I am marginally competent at my job.
  5.  All my problems have a solution and that solution isn’t always “extra cheese.”
  6. I am 85 percent present and 15 percent off staring into the distance, and that’s good enough.
  7. My day begins and ends with a huge grin and a big thumbs up.
  8. Believe in yourself, unless you’re a ghost.
  9. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them into the wounds.
  10. Reach for the stars and/or the remote control.
  11. Be the Instagram post you wish to see in the world.
  12. Today I will buy my inner-child an inner-milkshake.
  13. I love each of my seven billion billion billion molecules.
  14. Failure is just success with bedhead and bad breath.
  15. I don’t care what other people think of me unless you think I’m great, in which case: hello, how are you?
  16. My courage is stronger than my fear — seriously, my courage can bench 140 pounds no sweat.
  17. I would totally swipe right on my Tinder profile.
  18. I am a pretty flower, not a swamp thing.
  19. I can make pretty decent scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese.
  20. If at first you don’t succeed, nap.
  21. Every journey begins with a single step, then bringing your feet together, then taking one step back and one out to the left, then sliding your right foot to your left, and back, and now you’re dancing the cha-cha.
  22. Love conquers all, except for sharks.
  23. I would buy stock in Me, Inc.
  24. I’m not perfect, but neither is anyone else.
  25. I forgive myself for being someone who can’t forgive myself.
  26. Something wonderful is about to happen to me, like getting a free pizza coupon.
  27. Say “yes” to all words that rhyme with “yes.”
  28. I love Mondays because I am the anti-Garfield.
  29. I deserve all the best in life, including a fancy duvet.
  30. I am a non-creepy-hug-from-people-I-love magnet.
  31. My superpower is laughing at my own hilarious jokes.
  32. I like to dance to Taylor Swift and I don’t care if anyone judges me.
  33. The past has no power over the present because I am a time-traveling cyborg.
  34. Self-improvement begins with gently talking to yourself in the mirror, like a crazy person.
  35. Today is going to be a pretty good day, overall.
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About Woolly

A curious exploration of comfort, wellness, and modern life — emotionally supported by Casper. It’s a beautiful magazine published by a mattress. Come on, you know it’s not the weirdest thing to happen this year. The first issue includes a love letter to comfort pants, a skeptic's guide to crystals, and an adulting coloring book.