It is an ancient truth that the beginning of any journey to happiness starts with clicking a random link on the internet. And now, friend, you are on that journey.
Thankfully, these super simple tips are SUPER simple. They take very little time or effort, and will help turn your literal, or metaphorical, frown upside down. Seriously. You will vomit sunbeams of joy. And I’m not just a hack writer for a website sponsored by a mattress company—I’m also desperate to be happy.
So I wish you luck on your journey. I hope you find what you are looking for in life. Because you deserve whatever it is you want from this life. Me? I just want love but, if I can’t have that, I’ll settle for website clicks. Namaste.
Don’t Read The Facebook Comments
This is very important: Whatever you do, do not read Facebook comments. They are full of nightmares. Nothing of any value has ever been written in a Facebook comment. In fact, it’s probably smart to delete all your social media apps and bury your phone in a hole. Be free.
Always Eat Free Cupcakes
If someone offers you a cupcake, don’t wrinkle your nose and say, “Oh, I shouldn’t.” You should. You absolutely should, especially if it’s free. Merge your face into the cupcake. I’m not saying a free cupcake has no calories: It has the same number of calories as a cupcake that costs money. I’m just saying you should be open to gifts from the universe.
Walk Around Like You’re A Classic Disney Princess
I don’t care if you’re a 300-pound biker nicknamed “El Diablo.” Hold yourself with the grace and gentleness of Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. Float through life with a smile. Walk on your tippy-toes and wave to bluebirds. Gliding down the street like a classic Disney princess isn’t something exclusive to women. Poise knows no gender. You’re a beautiful princess on the inside, El Diablo. Show it on the outside, too.
Name Your Houseplants
If you don’t have a houseplant, then get one immediately. Water your houseplant regularly. Make sure your houseplant gets plenty of sun. Keep your houseplant alive. Also: Name your houseplant. Come home from work and say, “Hello, Bernard” to your plant. This will make you happy. It will also make Bernard happy. Plants have feelings. They’re like people—green, leafy people— who never move, or emotionally wound, anyone.
Use Mental Telepathy For A Positive Reason
Do not use mental telepathy to make people’s brains explode. Instead, focus your brain waves on changing the hearts of jerks who annoy you. This is not as easy as it sounds. It requires concentration and a desire to infect others with good vibes. If there is a person, like a coworker or some random grump on the bus, who you think needs an attitude adjustment, just stare at them with laser-beam eyes until they smile or tell you to stop staring. WARNING: Telepathy has been known to cause nosebleeds. Here’s more information on nosebleeds.
Clean Your Kitchen Naked
First of all, your kitchen needs to be cleaned. I’m not your mom, but you know I’m right. There’s a dried splotch of hoisin sauce somewhere. Find that stain and attack it with a toothbrush. Remember that souls, like kitchen floors, are made out of linoleum. Now scrub away — really get in there — and do it naked. Completely, utterly naked. Make the angels blush.
Buy A Pineapple
The pineapple is, objectively, the funniest looking fruit, with its prickly oblong-ish shape and funny spiky hairdo. This is why you should buy one. Take it home. How do you slice up a pineapple? I don’t know exactly. (You’ll need a sharp knife or hatchet, I assume?) But I’m sure it will be a messy process, and that’s okay because life is a messy process.
Laugh At Your Own Jokes
Someone has to laugh at your jokes; it might as well be the person in your life whose opinion should matter the most. Laughing at my own jokes is something I do at work all the time. I’ll make a sassy quip during an important meeting about performance goals and then chuckle to myself. I really want my coworkers to like me. I mean, haha, I don’t care if they like me. (I do care.)
Breathe While Flapping Your Arms
Stand on a beach at dawn. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale, and raise your arms. Exhale, and lower them. Repeat. Don’t stop. Arms up, arms down. Faster. Faster! Inhale, exhale. Keep repeating this routine until you are flapping your beautiful wings. Fly.