Prevent Wrinkles With The Help Of Ancient Evils

Follow these rules for a flawless complexion.

Author by John Devore
Credit: iStock

There is so much advice out there when it comes to skin care — which regimens to follow, products to use, and new techniques to learn about. It sure can be confusing! But the secret to maintaining youthful skin is simple: Moisturize, exfoliate, and, if all else fails, summon malevolent powers from alternative dimensions of sorrow.

It is wise to consider your options before deciding on the best skin care strategy. After all, society despises aging. So maybe try some tried-and-true classics like slathering your face in aloe vera or applying damp black tea bags under the eyes? Or maybe invest in regular Botox injections, the trendy procedure that temporarily paralyzes facial muscles and makes wrinkles disappear. Or sell your soul to a fallen angel in exchange for unnatural youth.

You can have two Instagram accounts: one for perfect selfies and one for selfies that show the your true ugly, rotten self.

The decision is yours. But again, stick to the basics. Yes, there is an overwhelming amount of information out there. And so many products that make wild promises and claims. It’s hard to know who to trust. Well, friend, it’s not complicated.

For instance, one important skin care tip is to wash your face before bed. Simple, right? This can be followed by a nightly essential oil ritual. Remember that any good lifetime habit starts with a single deliberate action. So tonight, slather on some coconut or argan oil and don’t be skimpy. Sleeping with a pore-shrinking face mask on is another way to stay blemish-free. But don’t forget, you can also awaken an old god from its deathless slumber and demand that it bend to your will. These kinds of supernatural arrangements almost never backfire in ironic ways.

Another popular method of reversing the signs of aging is to use retinoid creams, which are over-the-counter treatments that help stimulate new cell growth. Retinoid creams help break down collagen and firm up the layer of skin underneath the surface. If you’d like to know more, then talk to your dermatologist or sacrifice a goat at midnight. Goats are adorable, but eternal beauty has a price.

A few other helpful skincare tips: If a djinn grants you three wishes, don’t say “I wish for more wishes,” because that was only funny once, many thousands of years ago. You can capture a banshee or a dybbuk using an ordinary binding spell, but don’t forget to brush up on your Latin. Also: Ouija boards will work in a pinch, but the downside is that you may conjure a grandmother, and chances are high she’ll be an evil grandmother.

It is easy to forget the obvious things you can do to win the battle against crow’s feet. For instance, limiting your exposure to the sun and its ultraviolet radiation is just skin care 101: Don’t forget to apply lotions with high sun protection factor, aka SPF. Old-fashioned facial recipes use ingredients that may already be in your fridge, such as egg whites and avocados. But the only way to guarantee everlasting beauty is to make a pact with a demonic force, ideally one born in the fires of perdition.

But where to start? What unholy names of the damned should you pray to? The good news is that it doesn’t really matter. There’s no real need to be picky. These children of the immortal night will likely be happy to help you with whatever your heart desires. It’s all good once you’ve gone to the trouble of rousing an ancient evil and allowed it to enter our mortal realm. A few to consider include Ukoback, The Keeper Of The Infernal Flame, or The Moon Queen. Or feel free to choose any run-of-the-mill Shadow Butcher from The Lost City Of Bones. There’s also The Girl Trapped In The Mirror, Aathon the Accursed, and, of course, The Seven-Headed Beast. If you don’t vibe with one of them, don’t worry. This is a process. Just say their name backwards, or behead them with an enchanted sword, or break the mirror, and that will be that. Once you’ve settled on the wicked spirit that is right for you, just sign the paperwork in blood, which ironically is NOT an ingredient that belongs in a face mask.

No matter what skin care treatment you choose — creams, Botox, the devil— just make sure to love your skin, because it’s the only skin you’ll get in this life. Unless you make other arrangements.

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A curious exploration of comfort, wellness, and modern life — emotionally supported by Casper. It’s a beautiful magazine published by a mattress. Come on, you know it’s not the weirdest thing to happen this year. The first issue includes a love letter to comfort pants, a skeptic's guide to crystals, and an adulting coloring book.